I've been super busy this past week! I've felt pretty overwhelmed and anxious about things. I'm moving to the Independent Living apartments tonight! They're very nice! We get alot more freedom there. We create our own meal plans, cook our own meals, go to the grocery store without staff, etc.... It'll be a good step down from here and will help me even more to transition at home. I'm super excited!! I have been so blessed here getting to know all the patients and staff. Everyone's so amazing and encouraging. Hearing others' stories has taught me so much and really opened my eyes to so many things. I've learned that the more open and vulnerable you are during treatment, the more you get out of it. Even though it's reallly realllly hard sometimes to lay my pride aside and do that! I'm just trying to stay in the moment and soak up as much as I can in my last 2 weeks of treatment.

I can't tell you how much I miss camp!!! I hope I can visit soon. I miss the kids and staff sooooooo much it hurts!!

Outside My Comfort Zone...

Today we learned about getting out of our comfort zones, taking risks. That on the other side of every risk we take for the Lord is another HUGE chance to see His abundant grace and love for us. If we don't take these risks we could never know what all the Lord has in store for us. I look at my experience with treatment and see how the Lord has blessed me IMMENSELY through the risk of coming out of my comfort box and telling people I had a problem. Because I took that risk, I am now healing, learning, and growing. If I wouldn't have taken that step I'd still be stuck in the huge and lonely pit I was in. These past couple of months I've been facing the overwhelming reality of John 10:10- "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I (Jesus) have come that they may have life, and have it TO THE FULL." Before I went to Remuda, I was alive, but I wasn't TRULY living. I couldn't get out of bed, much less take care of myself. It was all I had left in me to ask the Lord to save me from the crazy mess I was in someway, somehow. After many weeks of praying and struggling, the Lord pretty much told my parents about my eating disorder through me. I just woke up one morning and knew what I had to do. I had to tell them. And I know that moment changed the rest of my life. It was less than 3 weeks later that I was in inpatient treatment. The Word says the Lord won't give us more than we can handle....well, I couldn't have handled one more day without treatment. His timing (as always) was perfect. He has supplied me with INCREDIBLE resources to help me overcome this uphill battle- ABSOLUTELY AMAZING doctors, nurses, MHT's, therapists, nutritionists and dieticians, family, friends, and fellow patients. God has worked through EVERY PERSON in my life to reveal Himself to me in so many different, awesome ways throughout my treatment. I've seen Him everywhere. What a TRUE blessing.

One of the hardest parts for me through these past several years of battling depression and eating disorders has been giving up my own dreams and desires. Realizing that my plan (although comfortable and seemingly "the best") wasn't the best after all. Letting go of the things I thought I "should" do, or "must" do to be happy led me to realizing that God's plan is WAY better. I see now that the cookie cutter life I planned out for myself isn't the perfect life, the perfect life is the one that follows the path the Lord has for me...roadblocks and all. It has been through these times of immense struggle and pain that I have most seen God's abundant grace, understanding, purpose, tenderness, wisdom, and great love for me. This is when I HAVE to get into the Word of God, because it is all I have to hold on to...and yet it is MORE than enough to fulfill my soul and innermost desires. It's been a painful but ultimately BEAUTIFUL road I've been on.

I feel this song depicts parts of my journey all too well!....

My hands hold safly to my dreams
Clutching tightly not one has fallen
So many years I've shaped each one
Reflecting my heart showing who I am
Now You're asking me to show
What I'm holding oh so tightly
Can't open my hands can't let go
Does it matter?
Should I show you?
Can't you let me go?
Surrender, surrender you whisper gently
You say I will be free
I know but can't you see?
My dreams are me.
You say you have a plan for me
And that you want the best for my life
Told me the world had yet to see
What you can do with one
That's committed to Your calling
I know of course what I should do
That I can't hold these dreams forever
If I give them now to You
Will You take them away forever?
Or can I dream again?
Surrender, surrender you whisper gently
You say I will be free
I know but can't you see?
My dreams are me.

-"Surrender" by: Barlow Girl

Recovery...

.....has been tough. But very eye opening and humbling. I have grown and learned so much these past couple of months. The Lord has made His presence known to me every step of the way. I've watched MANY women and girls come to know the Lord and fall in love with Him. We sang a song at the Ranch at chapel called "It's Gonna Be Worth It". It talks about how deep pain and struggle will be worth enduring because it draws us closer to God. That's where I am right now. (not saying that it's easy or anything) But all the strength I have left in me is God's and that's what is pulling me out of this. I've just gotta keep putting my armor of God on everyday because this is definitely a battle with the enemy. I always have these verses in my head and heart, always holding onto them...

"So to keep me from becoming proud, i was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger from Satan to torment me and keep me from becoming proud. Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. Each time He said, "My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness." So now i am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. That's why i take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I AM STRONG."
2 Corinthians 12:7-10

"But then I will win her back once again. I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her there. I will return her vineyards to her and transform the Valley of Trouble into a gateway of hope. She will give herself to me there, as she did long ago when she was young, when I freed her from captivity in Egypt. When that day comes," says the Lord, "you will call me 'my husband' instead of 'my master'.....I will make you my wife forever, showing you righteousness and justice, unfailing love and compassion." Hosea 2:14-16, 19

"And so, dear [sisters], I plead with you to give your bodies to God because of all he has done for you. Let them be a living and holy sacrifice-the kind He will find acceptable. This is truly the way to worship Him. Don't copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God's will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect." Romans 12:1-2

Golly! have I EVER learned about His grace and unconditional love! And how He NEVER gives up on us. I am so blessed to be able to have this experience. The Lord has just POURED His love out on me in SOO many ways, it's been mind blowing! Everyone has been so supportive and prayerful, and for that I am SO BEYOND thankful!!! Those letters and packages have shown light on some pretty dark days. I am so blessed to have such an awesome group of family and friends supporting and loving me. It honestly means the world to me. Thank you.

HELLO!!

Someone suggested me blogging to keep people updated on my recovery and experiences at Remuda, so now that I can use the internet I thought I'd set one up!